The Law of Equivalent Exchange

For every action…

I feel like venting a little, and thanks the large majority of the internet not giving a damn about anyone but themselves: this forum is about as damaging to one’s credibility as screaming into one’s pillow. Praise Be for that. Anywho…

I guess the problem is, with my new meds and school going well I feel pretty good. I feel a smidge beyond “okay”. I’m no longer possessed of that overweening sense of the fantastic, or greatness, or even being rapt with attention for what’s coming. I feel like there’s something missing. The single gig isn’t too bad, and due to my financially fastidious and scrupulous nature, I don’t need a job til after the new year. Granted, I’m still looking because, let’s face it… Career Russian roulette is a bad idea at the best of times.

There’s a girl I’m talking to, but it’s a bit of a stalemate. She’s too scared of her own emotions to be more assertive about what she wants and to not have a meltdown once a month, and to be fair, she’s a good bit younger than me. While she wasn’t my first choice, she is a very good choice. On paper alone; she listens to me, she calls and texts often, she does thoughtful things, she writes me letters (Honest to Jesus handwritten letters), she always reminds me of how much she misses me.

Then there’s the part of me that’s developmentally stuck about 12-15 months ago. When I was stuck in a consistent but shitty job, and in a relationship that was consistently inconsistent but decidedly not shitty. I feel like an ass because at one point, I was praying for the current girl to be more like the previous. Many people would say that such wishes are not only unfeasible, but dangerous. Lo and behold, it came true. Sorta. I still feel a measure of guilt about that, but the problem is: when you have a relationship that blows the top of the meterstick of precedence that everyone carries with them, you get a new effing stick and put that person’s face at the top. In selfish terms, it’s what you do because you know that is what you are capable of attaining.

So here’s the rub, if the person is inching along down that road towards the top of the stick, how long is too long to wait. I’m impatient. I’m 25, I want to be done with school, I want a career, and I want a family. A year ago, I thought I’d hit the grail. So much for all that. Does one stay friends and try to keep the channels open in light of all that has passed away? Can you ever “not see the crack in that (REDACTED) reflection” (_LadyGaGa_)? It plagues me to this day.

I know a couple that was each other’s first love(15, 16?), went apart, married and divorced other people, and got married at age 37-38! Know what?! I don’t want to do that. I want to be married once and that’s it. It is totally ludicrous to me that straight people can get married and divorced all the live long day until their ring fingers or pocketbooks cry “uncle”, whereas perfectly responsible, loving, and devoted couples of a distinct non-hetero affiliation can’t even do it once except in a handful of states. How backwards is a country founded on tolerance to where this is an issue after 200+ years as a sovereign nation?

Digressing, I guess what I’m saying is: I have a plan for myself, and I’m more than a little frustrated that the engine for said plan is knocking an inordinate amount more than I want it to. Occasional frustrations and setbacks are fine, but I’m having a hard time trying to keep perspective on this particular five year plan, even though it isn’t terribly complex.

It’s a real testament that I should’ve cut and run sooner with Jess, but lesson(s) learned, you can’t change the past, does no good to try. I have less time to try and establish a long enough/strong enough relationship with someone to be able to do the one thing in this life I feel I would instinctively know how to do: be a family man. Be a doting, supportive kickass husband, and a loving, encouraging, kickass dad. Not just a father, but a dad. Any man can be a father (within the limits of his sperm count).

I know this whole thing is tl;dr, and I’m bitching about love at a time when everyone begins the slow grumble about loneliness. I actually have a person in my life and I’m still bitching because she’s not exactly the person I envisioned I’d be quasi-with at this point in my life. Doesn’t mean I don’t care for her and want to be with her, it’s just that it makes the hard times just that millimeter harder.

Signed with questionable sanity, incontrovertible veracity, and considerable locquacity:

-G&M